Although he’s only a true freshman it’s crystal clear that Husker quarterback Adrian Martinez is a very special player. How special? I don’t think it’s too early to begin working on his future Heisman Trophy acceptance speech. I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a draft of a suitable speech for Adrian.
Wow. The Heisman Trophy. I’ve wanted to win this ever since I was a little kid. Wait, I still am a little kid! I’ll bet when you were my age most of you sports writers couldn’t even tie your own shoes, ha-ha.
As many of you know the trophy is named for John Heisman the former director of the Downtown Athletic Club. Hey, we’re just lucky the director wasn’t Jake Butt, right?
There are a few folks I need to thank.
First of all I’d like to thank the little people - the Bethune-Cookman defensive line. I’d also like to give a shout out to my man, Jason Peter. I’d never have won this without that annual pre-season pep talk you give the team, dawg. I really take ‘em to heart, especially the part where you say to “Knock their $%^&ing heads off and then kick ‘em in the balls and stick your finger inside their #$%hole and twist it.” Your speeches helped provide the motivation to get me here.
I need to thank our defense for occasionally making a tackle. That definitely helped me to win a couple games.
A big heap of gratitude to the tutors who do the homework and take the exams for most of the players.
Our season ticket holders. God bless you for week after week taking some of your Social Security money - money you could be spending on Medicare supplemental policies, stents, funeral insurance, support hose and orthopedic shoes - and using it to buy tickets. I appreciate you.
I’d like to thank our cheerleaders for their unwavering support, always yelling for us to score a touchdown and win the game through thick and through thin. Of course I’m talking about the Lincoln Journal-Star sports department.
To The Omaha World-Herald - wait, like a lot of people I canceled my subscription after the Breaking Brad column went missing. Forget it, I never read you anymore. Too many typos anyways.
To the people around the state who call in to Husker talk radio shows: thank you, you nasty bastards! I turned the Davis twins on to you guys to try and instill some trace of killer instinct.
I’d like to thank the University of Maryland and the Rutgers University programs. Even when everything went to hell in Lincoln I could always pump myself up by remembering that I’m not you.
I’d be remiss in not mentioning Iowa Hawkeye fans. Your hatred and jealously emanating across the border in a cloud of bitterness provided fuel and energy.
I want to especially thank the Iowa band for the motivation after incorrectly claiming the Huskers didn’t participate in the wave to the children’s hospital last season. I do wanna apologize for Mo Barry sealing your saxophone player’s spit valve shut this year so her saliva went back in her own face.
Our opponents certainly made me a better quarterback. I’m including the players, head coaches and the Ohio State assistant coaches’ parole officers.
Athletic Director Bill Moos. Bill, you’re great, but please stop picking on little Timmy Miles. He’s tryin’, man. We’re all tryin’. How about making his contract extension a full month next time? And could you please stop referring to him as “McLovin’?”
To my spiritual mentor, Carl Pelini. Yes, there’s a side to Carl you didn’t know. Namaste, Carl.
To former Husker defensive coordinator Bob Diaco for leaving all that hair gel behind in the locker room. I smear it over my uniform before games and when opposing defenders try to grab me their hands slide right off.
To the legendary Tom Osborne for stopping by practice every other Thursday and doing his stand up comedy routine. My favorite: “Why did Mike Riley cross the road? Because Oregon State offered him a contract worth 50 bucks a year.” My only advice, Mr. Osborne: try to work clean and lose the props.
I appreciate all my teammates but especially Caleb Lightbourn for having the gonads to pull off that “I’m gonna miss the ball on purpose” trick from practice in an actual game! LMFAO, bro.
I need to thank the boosters. Those folks from Holdrege, Alliance, Hastings, York, Columbus, Oga...Oga...Ogallala?! And a lot of other towns I’ll probably never visit and can barely spell let alone pronounce.
To the Memorial Stadium sound dude for throwing down all that hip-hop. This is great especially considering I can’t find a Lincoln radio station that plays anything but old Deep Purple or Justin Bieber. I mean, seriously, Lincoln radio, it’s 2018 and you’re still playin’ “Smoke On The Water”?
To Tristan Gebbia for transferring which allowed me to play because you’re so much better - gotcha! Ha-ha, a little sarcasm there.
To the media members who vote for the Heisman winner, thanks for not paying attention to any West Coast games whatsoever. You’re so right to only consider players who finish their games before 9 p.m. Eastern Time. If those Westie dudes wanna win the Heisman let ‘em move to a normal time zone.
Props to the Twitter-verse. That includes the following accounts: Faux Pelini, Fake Frank Solich, Mario Verduzco’s Cigar and Devaney’s Butt Cheek. You’re what Husker football is all about. Well, I don’t know about Devaney’s Butt Cheek but the rest of you are what college football is all about.
I salute the NCAA for not yet completely ruining the game - yet. It’s so cool that you allow me to hold a job paying up to $9 per week which seems fair since my sport brings in tens of millions of dollars for the university and the conference. Abraham Lincoln ended slavery and you’re bringing it back.
To the Nebraska students who sit in the student section on game days and really can’t see the action from their seats but still cheer anyway whenever they hear the old people cheering. I heart you guys.
Finally, to my personal savior, to whom I give all praise and all glory - Coach Scott Frost. You made this possible, coach. I just hope putting up with winters in Nebraska is worth it.
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Brad Dickson is a former writer for "The Tonight Show," a humor columnist for the Omaha World-Herald newspaper, a best-selling author of two books and a professional speaker. You can find Brad on Twitter at @brad_dickson.
Never miss a blog post. Sign up for our email list here.