University of Nebraska Cornhusker football fans have gone through a miserable stretch for most of the past several years. It’s been difficult because these are proud folks who expect excellence in the program. Still, I think Thanksgiving would be a good time for Husker fans to stop and count their many blessings.
Below is a partial list.
* Husker fans can be thankful that attempting to tackle Adrian Martinez is like trying to corral a ferret covered in Vaseline on ice.
* Fans can be thankful that Husker Hounds just got in the new line of Go Big Red surgical tools and dialysis machines.
* Fans can be thankful that with the latest improvements to Interstate 80 it is now possible to drive from Omaha to Lincoln on football Saturdays in a little under six and a half hours.
* Husker fans can be thankful that Ed Cunningham has quit doing football broadcasts and that Kevin Kugler has not.
* Husker fans can be thankful that even if there’s a tornado, a blizzard, a monsoon, an earthquake and hail the size of Kenny Bell’s hair in Lincoln on the same day Memorial Stadium will still be sold out.
* Husker fans can be thankful that the amount of money the university paid ex-football coaches and athletic directors is slightly less than the gross national product of France.
* Nebraska football fans can be thankful that with the latest seat widening project there is now enough room for almost half of their ass on the bleachers.
* Husker fans can be thankful to live in a state where towns name middle schools after incoming two-star recruits.
* Husker fans can be thankful that the Memorial Stadium hot dogs are made of the finest ground sandhill crane meat available.
* Nebraska fans can be thankful that football success is the top priority of our state’s leader, the man who calls all the shots and makes every important decision - Matt Davison.
* Husker fans can be thankful that the best seats in the stadium aren’t reserved for noisy students but instead go to 96-year-old season ticket holders who nod off by the end of the first quarter with drool rolling down their chins while mumbling “Put Johnny Rodgers back in.”
* Nebraska fans can thankful that members of the new coaching staff have revived the walk-on program and can actually find McCook, Grand Island and Valentine on a map...well, they can find McCook and Grand Island.
* Husker fans can be thankful that beginning with the Minnesota game Sean Callahan has been calling all of the offensive plays.
* Fans can be thankful that Illinois and Michigan State receivers collectively dropped 47 passes in their games vs. the Huskers.
* Husker fans can be thankful that games are now broadcast on Z-92 since it’s the only time you get a break on that station from hearing Aerosmith’s “Ragdoll” which plays on a continuous, 24 hour per day loop.
* Fans can be thankful for the Husker football cheerleaders, aka, Lincoln Journal Star sports reporters.
* Husker fans can be thankful that The Omaha World-Herald hired that 23rd beat writer to cover the team because you can never have too many people asking the same dull questions and writing the exact same boring article over and over and over.
* Nebraska fans can be thankful that Athletic Director Bill Moos also has a commitment to basketball as evidenced by the three-day contract extension he awarded coach Tim Miles.
* Husker fans can be thankful that the players say they’re giving 110 percent even though that’s mathematically impossible.
* Fans can be thankful that KETV’s Thor Tripp still covers the team despite receiving lucrative mega-offers from ABC, NBC, ESPN, the BBC, HGTV, “The View” and “60 Minutes.”
* Nebraska fans who tailgate can be thankful that almost every game begins at 11 a.m. since everybody knows that brats and cans of Busch Lite taste best at six in the morning.
* Husker fans can be grateful for the social media presence of ex-player Jason #$%^ing Peter who tells it like it $%^&ing is, every #$%^ing day.
* Fans can be thankful that most of Caleb Lightbourn’s kicks have gone forward.
* Nebraska fans can be thankful that one or two of the Big Ten referees assigned to work Husker games this season could walk and chew gum at the same time.
* Nebraska fans can be thankful that the new Tunnel Walk is 12 million times better than the highlight of our 150th birthday celebration which consisted of Gov. Pete Ricketts waving a sparkler from atop a hay wagon while screaming “Kansas blows!” in 23 languages.
* Nebraska fans should be thankful that Herbie Husker has not yet announced plans to transfer despite being relegated to second team behind Lil Red.
* Husker fans can be thankful that the “Bring Bo Back” club is down to two members - well, three, if you include Bo.
* Nebraska fans should be thankful that the team isn’t involved in one of those Big Ten rivalry games where the winner gets a trophy that depicts a cow’s snout or a hog’s anus.
* Nebraska fans can be thankful that BTN studio hosts are totally non-biased since they only talk about Ohio State for 23 hours and 58 minutes per day, leaving 2 minutes to discuss the remaining 13 teams in the conference.
* Husker fans can be thankful that the football team is one of two things that unite the people of this great state with the other being that we all agree that our weather sucks.
* Fans can be thankful that Ron Brown is still probably slightly less polarizing than Brett Kavanaugh.
* Husker fans can be thankful that the Big 12 is becoming a distant memory - sort of like that time you ate some spoiled chili at Grandma’s house and threw up the next day.
* Nebraska fans should be grateful that they are still considered the best in college football despite Husker Twitter users photoshopping pictures of Jim Harbaugh’s head onto the torso of a 400-pound transvestite.
* Fans can be thankful that based on their play on the field this year Mohamed Barry and Antonio Reed have never heard of “Nebraska Nice.”
* Fans can be thankful that so far only a couple of game times have been changed to accommodate Gabrielle Union’s schedule.
* Husker fans can be thankful for the economic boost to the state’s coffers now that assistant coach Mario Verduzco is spending $1.2 million annually on cigars.
* Finally, Nebraska fans can be thankful for hope since it’s what allows them to sleep at night secure in the knowledge that Scott Frost will go down in history was one of the seminal figures of all time, right up there with Abe Lincoln, Christopher Columbus and Joan of Ark.
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Brad Dickson is a former writer for "The Tonight Show," a humor columnist for the Omaha World-Herald newspaper, a best-selling author of two books and a professional speaker. You can find Brad on Twitter at @brad_dickson.
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